I don’t know where to begin this from. From the time where it all began? Or the day when I realized that everything has shattered to pieces? Or the day when I first made those cuts on my hand for an unexplained reason?
Should I ask you to recall all those days when you’d find me under the staircase, crying for some stupid cause or the day when I locked myself in my room and did not talk to anyone the entire day?
I don’t know. I really don’t. And this makes it all the tougher, to write this. I wish I’d shared things with you both since the very beginning. I wouldn’t then be sitting here and contemplating what to do with my life.
Some parts of my life, until now, are really bad. You wouldn’t manage to get through the entire thing without tears. Somehow I am happy that you are unaware of the things that I’ve faced. But I will tell you bits of it; bit of the very reason I am taking this step.
I was in love with a boy for two years. The first few months were a cherry on the cake. I used to be on the seventh sky; happy because of his mere existence and at times, for no reason at all. But time changes people and this I understood very clearly with this experience.
The last six months were a disaster. He abused me physically, mentally and emotionally; whichever was more convenient for him. At times, he used to leave me in the middle of nowhere, stuck in places where they were no ways out.
I could do nothing about it but cry. I couldn’t share this with anyone. This made me frustrated, irritated and annoyed to an extent that I lost friends. The dooms day came when my best friend left. What could have been worse than that?
I had plans of getting married to that very guy who left me abandoned. Even after all the torture, I did not want to leave him. And why would I?
After all, I was always that “one man woman” type of girl. I wanted him to stay, in a hope that maybe things will change again.
But nothing of that sort happened. He left, and to make it worse, he left without giving me a reason.
I won’t reveal his name. Maybe I just don’t have that authority.
I have been torn apart at the seams, broken to the very core, shattered into innumerable pieces. Even the mirror fails to show my reflection now. I have faded somewhere deep down, into an unconscious world; the world that doesn’t exist, I know. My soul has been sucked out of my body.
All that is left of me is just the body that works, eats and sleeps. My emotions have died and I stay numb and blank these days with nothing to talk about and no topics to discuss.
That cheerful little daughter of yours has vanished.
This shouldn’t have happened Mumma and Papa. I don’t have the courage to face the world now. I can no more bear the harsh realities of the world which are way beyond my imagination. So, here I am, writing down this letter, which in a layman’s term is a suicide note.
I love you both and I don’t want to do this. But, for now, I am helpless and I do not want to be a burden on you both. If you ever manage to forgive me for doing this, please remember me with all those loving memories which we made together.
Mamma, I am going, somewhere far beyond the harsh realities of this cruel world. Papa, you always wanted me to be brave.
I’m sorry for not being able to fulfill that wish of yours. Forgive me for that. One last wish Papa and Mumma, do not go into the depths of my life. It will only inflict pain and nothing else.
Bury my things and this note with my body. That is all I want from your end.
I love you.
Your loving daughter.
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